Commentary #1

The writer has written a great rough draft and is off to a great start with his claim, reasons and examples. At first I was not sure where he was going with his attention grabber because it did not seem to be relevant to what the topic is supposed to be, but he tied it to his main idea by the fifth sentence and it became clear. I was able to clearly see what his thesis statement was. However I felt that he needed a little more strength to his assertion, which could possibly be added by naming the specific distractions attributed to the “loss of enrichment to our brains”. It seems a little vague for a thesis statement that needs to make a clear concise claim on the position of the paper.

The second and third paragraphs are good support to the writer’s thesis which use examples and outside sources. However I feel that the writer needs to make clear assertions in support to his thesis at the beginning of these two paragraphs before providing his examples. There is some room for further explanation in the third paragraph on the first sentence regarding the consequences as well as in the seventh sentence where the writer claims that students were not as distracted in a traditional classroom. The fourth paragraph of this essay is excellent in form, clarity and examples.

However the fifth paragraph seems to disconnect from the writer’s thesis statement and go off in another direction. My suggestion is to reword the topic sentence and make this paragraph longer. The last sentence in this paragraph is very arguable and possibly needs strength in reasoning added. The fifth paragraph seems to connect to the sixth paragraph, which addressed opposing views to his thesis. This calls attention to a possible opposition to his claims and provides an excellent example to refute the arguments to his claim. The last sentence could give a bit more strength to or provide better confirmation to the example he has provided. The conclusion to this essay was well written, has a great example and ties to the thesis statement very well.Overall the writer is headed in the right direction and I was able to see his reasoning for his claims. I am sure that he will fine tune it and earn an excellent mark!